Saying Goodbye

I just finished reading The Fault in Our Stars and now I feel empty. I'm not sure if it's because of the way the book ended or if it's because cancer has a direct relevance to my own life. I haven't spoken about it much because I am terrible at communicating my feelings when it comes to dramatic emotion. 

I lost my grandfather about 2 months ago to Esophageal Cancer and I don't know what pains me more; the fact that he is no longer physically here with us, or that I didn't get to say "goodbye." His health had been hanging in the balance for over a year so, sadly, my family and I had the mentality of  any day now, but he toughed it out for as long as he physically could. The character of Augustus Waters reminded me so much of grandfather with the way he didn't let cancer control his life. You could hardly tell he was sick because he had this incredible warmth, a contagious happiness, and still had a real thirst for living. He genuinely loved life and didn't take a single day for granted. Eventually, despite his efforts, the cancer prevailed and even though his body was present for his last few weeks, his spirit had already passed on. In the novel Hazel mentions having a conversation with Augustus on his Last Good Day and even though she is just a character in a novel, I know exactly what Hazel meant and how she feels, as many, if not most, people feel as they see the lives of their loved ones slipping. Despite my grandfather living in California and the countless hours of treatment and rest he required I was fortunate to speak with my grandfather on his Last Good Day. He hardly sounded like the man I knew and grew up admiring. His voice was unrecognizable and very faint, but I will cherish our seventeen minute conversation forever because it was the last time we'll ever speak.

My birthday is the day before my grandfather's. I couldn't help but get emotional this year when we flew to California to spend the weekend with my family thinking it would be my grandfather's last birthday, and it was. This is the last photo and one of the last tangible moments I had with my grandfather. My birthday won't be the same this year.

Who knew that reading a novel for young adults would have the power to stir up so much thought and emotion? I'm glad it did because it is about time that I finally open up about my grandfathers passing, even if it's only written.

Every person deals with stuff like this differently and for me, I just needed time.